wonder

i never get tired of watching kaida and the numerous expressions that pass across her face every few seconds. it's as if you can truly see the wonder in her eyes when she encounters something new. and the concentration when she is exploring that new thing. and the alarm when this new thing does something unexpected. and the delight afterwards.

it is one of the things i truly love in young children.. that they never bother to hide behind masks, that they know what they feel and they let you know it as well.

after around two hours of working straight, i would emerge from our room and kaida would eagerly run towards me like she hasn't seen me in ages. and then she would give this Mighty Aru-like Frown™ whenever i have to go back to work.

in the morning, she would toss about indicating she was waking up - maybe breastfeed a bit more - and then would heave herself upwards and kiss mommy on the lips, then laugh and shimmy off the bed, look for my slippers and not her own, and then open the bedroom door (yes, she can do this now and it's giving us additional gray hairs) and run off with my her big slippers slapping on the floor waking up everyone in the house.

i fear the day when she'll begin hiding her feelings from her mother, hiding little secrets, feeling awkward with kissing or hugging her parents in public as most teenagers are wont to do.. although i do hope to be able to bring her up right, such that she learns the strength that comes with the open expression of love.

i can teach her this, but i cannot control what the rest of the world teaches her. who knows if someday somebody will hurt her enough, such that it gets implanted in her brain and in her heart that she must guard her feelings because this makes her vulnerable?

and living in a tired world wherein everyone must adopt the sophisticated 'been there, done that' attitude! somebody please prevent me from knocking these people in the head with a feeding bottle.

i would so dearly want to shield my daughter from such people and circumstances, but alas, it would also be detrimental for her not to learn these things by personal experience. she would need to know how it is to be hurt, and the only thing i can truly do is teach her how to rise above the pain.

it is a gut-wrenching thought for a mother. one can only do what one can. this seems like bullshit for one who can be a control freak. (i can't help but laugh at myself at this point. XD)

for now, i make the times count. i really don't want to get ahead of myself by thinking these thoughts now that she's still a baby, but it's these thoughts that make me truly appreciate every single moment of her young life.